Building Leicester City’s Perfect Premier League Footballer

Jamie Vardy
Leicester City v Aston Villa – Premier League | Malcolm Couzens/Getty Images

Lightning cracks over a pitch black east Midlands sky, briefly illuminating the shady laboratory usually hidden around the back of King Power Stadium.

During lockdown, Leicester’s most depraved scientist have been working on the most ambitious project in the club’s history. A Frankenstein’s monster with body parts of the Foxes’ best ever Premier League players welded together to forge the perfect, footballing nightmare.

Ok, this didn’t actually happen…

However, you have to admit it’s an fascinating concept – so we decided to create our perfect footballer. Using boring, old words we hasten to add; not a hacksaw and a sewing kit. That idea got vetoed in our editorial meeting very quickly indeed…

Esteban CambiassoEsteban Cambiasso
Leicester City v Queens Park Rangers – Premier League | Dan Mullan/Getty Images

All together now…

“OH, HO, HO, HE’S MAGIC YOU KNOW… ESTEBAN CAMBIASSO!”

A mighty fine chant for a mighty fine player. No Leicester player in Premier League history comes close to Cambiasso’s level of footballing intellect.

By the time he arrived at the club in 2014 his body had all but given up on him with the deep lying playmaker strolling around the pitch like he was playing walking football. It’s a good thing that his devilish intelligence and reading of the game meant he never needed to sprint anyway.

Muzzy Izzet, Paul JonesMuzzy Izzet, Paul Jones
Leicester City v Wolverhampton Wanderers | Ross Kinnaird/Getty Images

Leicester were pretty terrible during the 2003/2004 season – relegation fodder terrible – making the fact that Muzzy Izzet led the Premier League in assists all the more unbelievable.

Sure, taking corners helped pad his stats somewhat but the Turkey international’s vision was still, quite literally, second to none. He’s more than earned the right to have his eyes popped out and stuck onto our footballing monster.

What an honour, ay?

N'Golo KanteN'Golo Kante
A.F.C. Bournemouth v Leicester City – Premier League | Michael Regan/Getty Images

Come on, who else’s lungs were we gonna snag?

N’Golo Kante’s tireless work rate is the unmatched in world football. He could probably bang out a marathon after breakfast, jog back from the finishing line to his house and then do all his chores for the day before lunchtime.

Wes MorganWes Morgan
Leicester City v West Ham United – Premier League | James Williamson – AMA/Getty Images

Wesley Morgan is often misportrayed. Over emphasis on his Herculean physical attributes has meant that his supreme reading of the game and technical competence have been forgotten.

While that is undeniably tragic – and shame on the media outlets who have lumbered him with this simplisitc label for so long – there’s no denying that he is an absolute beef cake.

That’s why we will be commandeering his body for our macabre project. Sorry Wes.

Jamie VardyJamie Vardy
Leicester City v Tottenham Hotspur – Premier League | Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Wind him up and let him go, Jamie Vardy remains the Premier League’s most electrifying live wire – even at the ripe old age of 33.

At his physical and footballing peak during the 2015/2016 campaign, Vardy recorded a top speed of 22 miles per hour.

That’s just shy of 10 meters per second or over 600 yards per minute. It’s pretty fast, alright. That’s what we’re trying to get at.

Riyad MahrezRiyad Mahrez
Leicester City v Manchester City – Premier League | Matthew Ashton – AMA/Getty Images

Why is it that ‘cultured’ is only ever used to describe a left foot and not a right? While you ponder on that for a few hours, we’ll tell you all about Riyad Mahrez.

The Algerian possesses one of the most famous left pegs in Foxes history. It’s been the source of some incredible goals and assists over the years and it will continue to provide of bountiful haul of decisive moments as part of our Frankenstein’s monster.

James MaddisonJames Maddison
Leicester City v Aston Villa – Premier League | James Williamson – AMA/Getty Images

Though he is just a young pup in footballing terms, James Maddison is already an eminently watchable footballer.

Key to his boyish charm is a cultured right foot – see, just doesn’t sound right does it?

Maddison’s has already managed to score nine free kicks in his burgeoning career so far – proving that there’s magic in his boots, especially the right one.

We can never, ever, ever forget that this happened people.

Let’