The winter break is over at 90min Towers. We’ve emerged from our power ranking hibernation, and somehow we’re in Derry (the best place in the world)!
We can’t let that distract us. We’ve got power rankings to do from the last few weeks. But hey, if quotes from Derry Girls will help us with that, then everyone’s a winner.
So, ‘stall the ball’ and let’s get right to it.
15. Erling Haaland (Re-Entry)
“It wasn’t bullying, it was attempted bullying!”
What Erling Haaland did to the Augsburg defence in his Borussia Dortmund debut was straight-up bullying.
In just 34 minutes, he bagged three goals and turned the opposition into a meme on Twitter. Brutal.
14. Kylian Mbappé (Re-Entry)
“Sadly, I’m unable to come on this one, as I despise the French.”
Sister Michael might not be a huge fan of the French, but Kylian Mbappé will keep earning himself even more admirers if he keeps scoring like this.
Two goals against Monaco and two against Amiens earns Mbappé a place in the rankings. Welcome.
13. Alexander Sörloth (New Entry)
“Any luck with the trust fund?”
12. Sadio Mané (Down 4)
“Look, I wanted to be an individual but my ma wouldn’t let me.”
Sadio Mané has been Liverpool’s saviour at times this season, but he has had to step back and join the crowd while other individuals step forwards and take the glory.
Fortunately, the Reds are really, really good. They’ve got goals coming from everywhere.
11. Jamie Vardy (Down 8)
“That’s English for you. F*****g savages.”
A rough few weeks for Jamie Vardy. The goals have dried up, the injuries have racked up and the converted penalties have certainly disappeared.
There’s no party at Leicester City right now.
10. Carlos Vinícius (Down 5)
“We got the gist. They ran out of spuds, everyone was raging.”
Carlos Vinícius is enduring his own famine right now, having failed to score in his last three games for Benfica.
He does have three assists though, which is nice.
9. Pizzi (Up 2)
“I think it’s just a rehearsal, love.”
“They’ve been playing the same three songs since 1795, what do they need to rehearse for?”
Ooh, Benfica friends.
It’s been business as usual for Pizzi, who turns up with goals and assists whenever you need him to.
8. Hakim Ziyech (Up 2)
“You aren’t psychic Aunt Sarah.”
“I am Erin, I did a course, I got a certificate.”
Hakim Ziyech might be psychic. Can anyone confirm?
The Ajax man just seems to know where his teammates are at all times, and he has the assist numbers to back it up.
7. Robert Lewandowski (Down 1)
“Relax love, we’ve a good two or three hours before the rioting starts.”
Bayern Munich fans aren’t happy that there team aren’t top of the league, but they can’t blame Robert Lewandowski for that.
Lewa has 31 goals from 26 games, including one at the weekend against Hertha. Business as usual.
6. Jadon Sancho (Down 2)
“Why’s he making that funny noise?”
“He’s English, Orla, that’s the way they talk.”
Another goal. Another assist.
That’s just what Jadon Sancho does these days. Nobody is even surprised anymore.
5. Neymar (Up 7)
“Sometimes in order to do the right thing, you have to do the wrong thing.”
Nobody in world football knows how to ruffle feathers quite like Neymar. But, away from all the drama, he’s just a really good footballer.
He’s on a run of scoring in six consecutive games and has even managed five assists in that time. The man is on fire.
4. Lionel Messi (Down 3)
“They’re just people, James. They’re just people, exactly like us.”
I think we’ve all accepted that Lionel Messi is not normal.
It was ever going to be Messi who led Barcelona to victory in Quique Setién’s first game, and he did so by pulling the strings in attack.
Just another day at the office for him.
3. Ciro Immobile (Up 6)
“Okay, that is one portion of redfish, one portion of whitefish, two bags of chips –”
“No, no, no! Two bags won’t be enough.”
“Two is plenty, Joe.”
2. Cristiano Ronaldo (Up 11)
“If anyone is feeling anxious, worried or maybe you just want a chat, please, please do not come crying to me.”
Cristiano Ronaldo is all about business. There’s no time for friends, only goals and having tantrums when you’re substituted.
He might have endured a slow start to the season by his standards, but he is definitely making up for lost time now. That’s seven consecutive games with a goal, in which he has found the back of the net 11 times.
1. Timo Werner (Up 1)
“Half-load goes against everything I stand for, you know that, Da.”
After his own seven-game streak came to an end, Timo Werner answered back with another two goals.
The RB Leipzig man is playing out of his skin, but he’ll need to keep that up if he wants to stay ahead of Ronaldo.
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