The Premier League is back.
The Edinburgh Fringe is back
All is well in the world.
I’m so formal I’ve never been involved in any argy bargy, or if we’re going to be formal about it: Argentina bargentina. (Glenn Moore)
Arsenal haven’t been well known for partaking in argy bargy (or Argentina bargentina) in recent years, usually succumbing to any and every team with any semblance of physical prowess, but this past weekend they stood firm against Newcastle and a huge guy called Joelinton. Nice one.
My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar. (Goose)
Aston Villa’s first game of the season was a case of so close, yet so, so, sooooo far.
“She sells sea-shells by the seashore.” Why? That’s the one place you can get them for free. (Niall McCarthy)
You may have to pay for sea-shells by the sea, but at least Bournemouth football club are nice enough to give away Premier League points for free. Nice guys.
Brighton & Hove Albion
My mum said she’s turning my room into a study. I doubt it, unless she’s doing a PhD on Coronation Street and Echo Falls rosé. (Darren Harriott)
Graham Potter was appointed to bring the beautiful game to Brighton this season, but you know what their main strength still is?
Yes, you guessed it.
Big Shane Duffy and Lewis Dunk.
Heading everything in sight.
With enough revs and determination any restaurant is a drive-thru. (Tom Taylor)
Ashley Barnes had enough revs and determination to crash through the Watford defence on Saturday.
Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? Ika, meaning ‘Sunday’, and keya, meaning ‘f**king ruined’. (Scummy Mummies)
Did you know that 4-0 is actually made up of two Swedish words? 4, meaning ‘Sunday’, and 0, meaning ‘f**king ruined’.
My new boyfriend told me he’s got my face as his wallpaper, which I thought was cute until I saw his lounge. (Steff Todd)
Crystal Palace fans still love Wilfried Zaha, even though he explicitly doesn’t want to be at their club anymore.
It might be time to move on and change the wallpaper lads; maybe to Andros Townsend, he isn’t bad, I suppose.
What do we want? More nuance! When do we want it? I don’t think you’ve followed. (Jonny & the Baptists)
Everton have good players; it might be a shame they don’t have a manager capable of getting the best out of them…
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’ (Jack Lambert)
Beautiful human being Brendan Rodgers inspired beautiful football club to Leicester City to a beautiful 0-0 draw with Wolves. Beautiful.
Germans love to take things literally, just like kleptomaniacs. (Louisa Fitzhardinge)
Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool really took the early flurry from Norwich City to heart on Friday night, and they duly f*cked the Canaries up in a big way.
I’m addicted to smoking jackets – I’m on 20 a day – I’ve tried the patches but, if anything, they just make them more fashionable. (Olaf Falafel)
Every Fantasy Premier League manager hates him for it, but no matter how much Pep Guardiola rotates his starting XI, it works. Kudos buddy.
Do you reckon the band Chic ever found any takers for that free cow they were always trying to get rid of? (Joz Norris)
Man Utd must be glad they didn’t sell Paul Pogba, eh?
Sauvignon Blanc is French for “Text Your Ex”. (Steff Todd)
Newcastle United, say it with me: thou shall not text Rafael Benitez.
He’s moved on – you need to too.
My auntie Barbara won’t buy free-range chickens because she says you don’t know where they’ve been. (Lucy Beaumont)
Your auntie Barbara should probably buy free-range chicken, and Norwich City should’ve probably signed a few more players.
I’m an openly 30 man, and it’s hard to come out as 30…my friends were supportive, my boyfriend was supportive but my mum actually tried to kick me out of the house. (Eli Matthewson)
Billy Sharp is openly over 30.
And after being thrown out by Southampton when he was last a Premier League player, he’s found a supportive football club in Sheffield United, where he has just scored his first ever top flight goal. Lovely stuff.
At Glastonbury this year a man offered me a ‘hardcore breakfast’: cornflakes but with vodka instead of milk and ketamine instead of sugar on top. How disgusting is that? A vegan breakfast. (Just These, Please)
The only explanation for Southampton’s complete opening day collapse? They had a ‘hardcore breakfast’ prior to kick off.
I turned 24 last week. Pythagoras was 22 when he worked out the lengths of a right angled triangle for the first time. I covered that in Year Six, so I’m doing pretty bloody well. (Rob Oldham)
In July, Harry Kane turned 26. Pythagoras was 22 when he worked out the lengths of a right angled triangle for the first time. BUT, he never scored a single Premier League goal, while Harry Kane has scored 127.
Harry Kane is doing pretty well.
People who say ‘Everything happens for a reason’ have never sh*t themselves on public transport. (Rhys James)
Watford’s 3-0 defeat to Burnley was the footballing equivalent of sh*tting yourself on public transport.
West Ham United
I always keep my keys between my knuckles. That way if someone tries to attack me, I’m ready to give them my car. (Steve Buchanan)
Felipe Anderson? Check.
Sebastien Haller? Check.
Issa Diop? Check.
Thumped 5-0 at home on the opening day? Check.
Why do Americans say eggplant and everyone else says chicken? (Ian Smith)
Why does VAR say ‘no goal’ and everyone else says ‘goal’?